My dad is a rabid Republican. Always has been, always will be. I hate to stereotype, but unfortunately, he fits a lot of them: NRA member, racist, sexist, anti-union, fill in the blank. He and I have had our struggles over the years... I had a rocky upbringing (developmentally disabled brother who created an impossible strain on my parents' marriage, lean economic times during my teen years, getting sucked into his contentious divorce of my mother, and then two subsequent messed up relationships, including one he married and then had a messy divorce with). It has been hard for me to keep the peace with this man, but it is important for me to have a relationship with my father. I'd like to think that I'm important to him, too, as my brother died nearly eleven years ago, and I'm all that's left for him of our nuclear family.
He called me tonight. He tried once again to talk about politics. I told him (for the umpteenth time) that I didn't want to talk about politics. Crap, I could have gloated, I could have totally rubbed his face in it, but I just don't want the strife. He got persnickety and hung up. Here's a I letter I just pounded out, that I'm considering sending him. Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
21 October 2008
Dad—
I’m a little confused about where that attack came from… from my perspective, it was pretty much unprovoked. Maybe it would help you to hear my side of things.
As I have requested numerous times before, I don’t want to discuss politics with you. Period. We have very different opinions. While some of our values are shared, many are not. I’m sure that your values stem from your upbringing and your life experiences, and mine stem from mine, which are different from yours. Just because you are my parent, however, does not mean that I inherited your values. You seem fairly disappointed by this, but it is what it is. For better or for worse, some of your behavior has given rise to some of my values, unintentional though it may have been. Many people of different generations experience this; it seems pretty normal. I wish you would just accept this and move on.
I do not now and generally have never felt that you listen to my views respectfully. You listen in order to argue, to attempt to convince. I myself do not do this, because I find it disrespectful. I do not want to have an argument, and I don’t want anyone to look at me as ripe for the picking for convincing for another point of view. I am an intelligent, independent adult, not a child. Please don’t treat me that way.
I mean no insult by this, but I do not trust your sources of information. I doubt that you care to hear mine. Until and unless you are willing to listen—with your mouth closed—to what I have to say without immediately trying to rebut it, having a “discussion” with you seems pointless. I can’t immediately respond to what you have just heard on Fox News about this, that, or the other, but years of experience tell me that yes, there almost always is more to the story when other, more accurate sources are consulted. In addition… I try to consume information from a variety of sources and with a critical ear, with a critical eye that I don’t feel you have toward your news sources. So yes, I don’t consider you to be a credible source of information, especially about politics.
You said that I “always have to be right.” This is exactly why I don’t want to have political “discussions” with you… you resist any attempt on my part to counter your perspective. It seems that you just want me to shut up and listen while you spout your perspective, and you are unwilling to give me “equal air time.” From my point of view, you are the one who always has to be right, or at least, you are unwilling to allow me the view that you may not be right.
I don’t like conflict. In my experience, talking about politics or other controversial topics leads to conflict between us. I value our relationship, and we have had too much strife over the years for me to want to risk our relationship fighting over politics. I would really like it to be off limits. It distresses me that I have made this request time and time again but that you can’t seem to respect it. I don’t like what that says about your attitude about me.
From my perspective… I grew up trying to be the perfect child, to keep the peace in the family, to not make waves while things were falling apart around me. I don’t like conflict, and I tend to hold my tongue, especially when I am on your turf, for the sake of keeping the peace. However, I do have my limits, and when you reach them, yes, I will say something in an attempt to silence you. I don’t know how many times I have asked over the years for politics to be off the table. We cannot and we will not agree, so why stir things up? Maybe it makes you feel good, but it leaves me feeling tied up in knots.
I might be reading things into our conversation, but I wonder if spending a weekend with B [his rabidly Republican brother, who has lockstep GOP kids] had anything to do with your outburst toward me?
If you want another perspective on this… share my letter with P [his wife]. You may read this and be full of disgust for me, but I think she might be more able to understand my point of view.
***
Thanks for reading. Man, he has been a shithead during the W. years, but it might be possible that he could be worse during Obama's presidency. Guess I'll just have to work it out with a little canvassing. ;>)